What will happen to me at the age of 30? No one knows about our own future. Some people say, “Only God’s knows”…but I am sorry to say that I don’t believe he knows! Cause for me… we are the one who is responsible to our life, which means… We know what will happen to us in the future.
So, I’m going to answer my question… What will happen to me at the age of 30? At the age of 30 I will die! (Are you shock?) Why? It’s too many reason why. Do I want to share why? I’m sorry to say that I can’t share all the reason. Cause some of you wouldn’t believe me and think that I am stupid or maybe some of you will think… what’s wrong with me… do I have a problem… To tell you the truth, this is the 3rd or 6th time I wrote about my death and all letters are is still with me. I remember one of my Aunties found out about my plan… then she talked to me. She ask me why, the only answer I gave her is a cry. (Fucking shit! My tears are starting to fall.) I admit it my first attempt is a stupid idea. I’m just depressed that day because of so many things and someone wants me to die. So, that night I wrote a letter saying this
11-21-00
“I think its time to end my life. Y? kanina kase 1 of my friend told me na “Mamatay ka na sana!” saying that… makes me think…this is the right time to kill myself. Di ko na kasi kaya lahat ng problem ko nandyan ang studies, family, friends and 3 more problem. Most of my friends think that I am happy in my life cause they think I can have all the things I need… mabibili ko lahat ng gusto ko…by asking money from my parents but that’s not what I need ……”
Months later…
05-01-01
“I don’t know what to do! Basta ang alam ko di ko na kaya. Gusto ko ng mamatay kaya lang… I made a promise that I will get revenge for all the things she did to me... since I was kid… tiniis ko lahat!”
One year before my graduation… 09/2004
“Fucking shit! nahihirapan na ko sa course ko!.. gusto ko ng mamatay!… hindi naman kasi to ang gusto ko eh.. kung hindi lang….sa gusto nya… hindi to ang kukunin ko… I don’t have choice but to take this course dahil… wala naman susuporta sa akin… if ever I choose what I want. Isa lang naman akong laruan na de susi!”
After the board exam… 08/2006
“I want to die! Cause I disappointed my parents… I failed my exam… I hate myself! … I hate all the people around me who’s always keep on asking about my board exam!
Whats wrong with me! hindi ba ko deserving na sumaya. Eto lang naman ang hinihiling ko! I did my best pero anong nangyari… hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa buhay ko!
Everytime there’s an occasion and asking my parents about my board exam… lagi ko na lang naririnig sa kanila “Ewan ko ba sa anak kong yan…” I feel na kinahihiya nila ako… because I didn’t passed the exam… buti pa daw si _________ nakapasa… sana daw… may trabaho na ko…blah… blah… blah!”
That’s the one of my 4 entries in my old diary. I think this is enough… for you to know why I want to die! Call me anything you want stupid, idiot, anything… but nothing change…I still want to die!
Now I’m 22, turning 23 next week...I still have 7 years to live…
To all people who read this… I’m begging not to tell this to any of my family members! Cause I don’t want them to talk to me about the past… cause they can’t never change it anymore! They already hurt me… and the wound is deep it can never be healed anymore. Kung baga kung ihahalintulad sa sakit… yung sakit ko…END-STAGE CANCER… wala ng pag asang gumaling pa… kahit anong therapy ang gawin.. kesyo chemo, BMT, at kung ano ano pa… hindi na gagaling!